Feeling the Loss

     Today is the 12 year anniversary of my mom's death.  It seems like every year this date has a way of sneaking up quietly behind me and then I turn around and get a not so nice, surprising punch in the gut.  This morning while I was still in bed praying, God gently reminded me of the date.  It's been in the back of my mind over the past two weeks because on my mom's side of the family, we've experienced some intense trauma and loss lately.  This isn't something I can elaborate about on such a public forum but she would have been so helpful to everyone involved I think and her absence has been truly notable.  She would have been able to provide her sweet calm way of listening to everyone and had some really warm and comforting hugs. Maybe she wouldn't have given a lot of advice but she could make you feel peaceful by simply being there.

     This year has been particularly hard on my little family as well.  The sheer open wound pain that I felt for my little boy during the Spring months and into the Summer were enough to make anyone want their mom.  There were many days that I would think, "..just a hug.  Just one little hug.  I miss the comfort of my mom."
   
     I miss her for our family.  She was unable to leave the hospital for our wedding but we went to her and were married there before the "real" ceremony so she was there to see our family begin but she was gone before our honeymoon was officially over.  I miss that she hasn't been able to see us grow.   I miss her for Dominic who although he is 9 and practically a man already sometimes really needs a lot of extra cuddling and attention.  He thrives when people that he loves really listen to him and he hasn't had a normal amount of that lately around here with everything we've been preoccupied with.  I miss her for Adrian who needs calm, kind, understanding people in his life that will love him unconditionally and see just how amazing he really is.  I miss her for my strong, gentle husband Derek who absolutely loved her and has said that she was a big piece of his journey to believing that God is real.  I miss her for me. So many times I would have just loved to be able to cry to someone without having to worry about their feelings, being strong, responding the "right" way and even that famous "ugly" cry would be ok. We have had an enormous amount of both triumphs and tragedies in our lives over the years and it would have been so wonderful to have her supporting us through it with her love and kindness.   Now I'm not delusional and I don't think that if she had been here, everything would have been fine but you know~ to just have a person in your corner that loves what you love and feels pain for what you are burdened with is often enough.  I'll admit, the tears are flowing freely today but I don't often allow myself to dwell on anything that I can't do something about.  Call it the control freak in me but I'm a "do-er" and not a "dwell-er"  and there is nothing that you can do about feeling loss except to just go ahead and feel it.  If you don't allow yourself to feel it once in a while it can sneak up and knock you right down.
So here I go.
Feeling the loss.

Let him live his life!

Gunther on the trampoline, just trying to live his life.

         This is just one of those nights when Dominic is on fire.  I swear that he could be a comedian already.  He just said another thing that made me spit water out laughing. I thought I should commit this to something permanent because I'm one of those people that is always telling everyone else to write down what their children have said because they will want to remember but then I almost NEVER take my own advice.  Anyways, Gunther, our dog was hopping all over the floor playing with his toy because we took the rug up to clean  and he couldn't get a good grip on it.  The floor is wood and the toy is hard rubber and was sliding all over.  He looked like a bunny pouncing around and I said, "What is that dog doing?!"  I was already laughing because it looked so funny.  He is almost 60 pounds after all.  But then Dominic busts out with, "He's frolicking!  Can't you see that he's having a marvelous adventure?!  Let him live his life!"  Okay, I realize that may not be funny at all to some and possibly not what you want your kid yelling at you but in this house, we are giant nerds and that kind of surprise statement warrants spitting your beverage out.  All over the frolicking dog. I love that kid.

All Things are Possible

     Just a little while ago I heard Adrian talking to Derek in the living room and he said, " I heard Mommy say 'impossible'.  That's not even a real word and shouldn't even exist.  I heard that ALL things are possible through Jesus.  She was wrong.  So........will you make me a bo staff that won't hurt anyone but can hold all of my weight?"  About 15 minutes earlier, Adrian had flown down the stairs, jumped in front of me and shouted, "Mommy!  I need you to make me a bo staff strong enough to hold my weight but soft enough that it won't actually hurt anyone."  So, of course I said, "Impossible!"  and laughed.  He revised it to, "well.....can you make it so it won't hurt anyone REALLLY  bad?"  I said, "no buddy, it's all or nothing with that kind of thing.  Sorry."
     The verse that he was referring to  "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."Matthew 19:26 . is one that we discuss often in our house although I suspect he was paying attention today at least for a few minutes and heard it.  You see, today at church our pastor mentioned that he is trying to teach this concept to his granddaughter.  Adrian was with us  in "big church" because with his nervous system so out of whack these days, he just can't handle it in his class.  It's also difficult in the bigger sanctuary but this was one of those days that for whatever reason it was functioning closer to normal.  One aspect of his particular brand of Sensory Processing Disorder is that he has modulation problems which just means that at any given moment, he can be under OR over responsive to things in his environment.  Places like church or concerts or school have a lot of bright lights, loud music, tons of people talking, moving, touching him and that sort of thing which if he's in an over responsive state can create havoc in his little body and make him feel like he's in actual pain.  On the other hand, he's had shingles, an extremely painful illness, several times and cannot even feel it.  In fact, most deep pain such as the kind you will get from a bad bruise are not painful at all yet if he gets a tiny scrape or light poke he will feel like he's dying.  This is because there are different types of sensors that go to different parts of our brains.  One of those types, the light touch, is mostly Over responsive while the other one that is connected to the "deep touch" is mostly Under responsive.  Just a side note here, I am not using any technical terms right now.  It's just easier to understand this way.  Another neat little aspect of this SPD is an auditory processing problem.  We thought it was just him ignoring us for years and he would often get in trouble at school, church and home because of it.  I'll just add that to the list of bright shining parenting moments.  (UGH!  The guilt!) You can sometimes say his name over and over and he can hear you perfectly but just doesn't "process" that the sound is his name.  It also manifests when he's playing with other kids or say taking direction from a teacher.  Someone can give him instructions and he will hear the words and he's extremely bright but they get jumbled in some way before he can understand what it means.  The next step is that he doesn't know that he isn't getting the same information as everyone else but he does know that he is not "doing" it right or "following" through" etc.  He sees that everyone else is on the same page but him with whatever the situation might be such as in a classroom, in a game or church group and then he sees the teacher or leader either annoyed or angry with him and then comes the next step, a meltdown of some kind.  Those feelings of stress and anxiety at not "getting it right" will often trigger some sensory overload and then oh boy, watch out.  It starts getting ugly.  Any of his former teachers can attest to this.  It's just very different now in that we know what's happening and why.  Before just a couple of months ago, everyone saw and treated it as a behavior issue. In the church and school classroom, it looks like disobedience, defiance and an unwillingness to follow through because sometimes he can process what you've said or follow the physical cues of others around him.  Or he's alone with you or in a small group and there are no problems whatsoever.  This can be very confusing and even annoying to adults who are used to obedience and would often end in him being punished in some way.  I can understand that because I felt the very same way but the difference is that this is my child and I feel the weight of responsibility for his happiness and success.  I won't even attempt to go into any of the anguish I felt over not knowing what was happening to him over the years.  That is another post for another day.

     On this day, this post is about the possible.  Right now, it looks impossible that Adrian will ever willingly go back into any type of classroom situation.  It looks like negative or disbelieving friends and family will never understand him.  It looks like a lot of other things that are simply not true.  One thing, which Adrian himself reminded me of, is that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.  Even Sensory Processing Disorder being a thing of the past.  It won't always be at the center of our minds when planning anything.  Adrian WILL be happy and successful doing whatever it is that he was made to do.  I'm certain of that because we have God who promised us that with Him all things are possible.  For now, that's all I need to remember for those times when I feel my faith start to waver or I start to have a pity party about all the things I could/should be doing better for all of my family.  I have only to remember that it is not about what we can do on our own but what God can do with us and through us.  And that takes a very heavy load off of this mama's shoulders.

Seeing Play Through My Eyes

     Yesterday we had a policy in our home for the day. " No electronic screen whatsoever."  I'm happy to announce that it was successful.  After an entire summer of "do whatever you feel like", we are at a  point when I'm trying to get things back in order.  I really didn't spend a ton of time with the boys yesterday because I spent the majority of the day painting cabinets outside.  There was a minimal amount of complaining from my electronic addict Adrian but he managed to forget about that monkey on his back by about 1:00.  The result was that I heard laughter the entire day!!  It was wonderful.  I'll list a few of the things I noticed them doing while I was in and out of their world.

-Sturdiest Structure.  They made up a new game using marbles, jenga pieces, weights and the dog.  
    Surely this was Dominic's idea.  He will spend hours and hours creating buildings, structures with a purpose and ships with whatever material he can get his hands on.  On this day, they were competing to see who could come up with the Sturdiest Structure, which is also what they called that game.  To the untrained eye, it just looks like fun but to an unschooling mom of a kid with SPD, it looks like math, art, training for a future life as an architect, building critical thinking skills, fine motor planning, working on auditory processing, i.e. Adrian taking direction from Dominic and hearing/understanding/following through/not getting frustrated, tactile work (the feel of wood is sometimes bothersome).  

-Golden Warrior Ninja Training  They used all of our sensory equipment plus furniture, toys and various other objects for this game.
     I can say with complete certainty that this was Adrian's idea.  This guy will surely grow up to become a starring act in Cirque du Soleil.  He LOVES this kind of thing.  Anything dangerous that requires building obstacle courses, crashing into things, hanging upside down, jumping, rolling....you get the picture.  This is where he comes alive and you'll see him the happiest.  Not a ton of learning going on here except if you are counting gym and overall creativity :).  The game also required Adrian to think up, plan and dole out different powers based on what kind of dangerous scenario they were involved in.  I wished I was playing a few times.  It sounded like a blast.  I saw them playing but I also saw them working on (big, fancy words coming up warning) proprioceptive and vestibular input, planning or praxis, bilateral coordination, the list is kind of endless here.

-Planning Houses  Dominic can do this deal all day too.  It's really just taking a piece of paper and drawing out plans for a house, hotel, park or another building.  Each piece is a different floor and they'll contain things like master bedroom, bathroom, kitchen delivery nook, viewing room, laboratory and so on.  Each floor usually has a theme but he will include doors, windows, toilets, fireplaces and then use another paper to elaborately explain what each room's purpose is, what it will contain, who will use it, what the color scheme will be, what the style of furniture will be and that sort of thing.  Yet again, you can see their personalities and what they are drawn to played out here.  I imagine that Dominic will have a long happy career in some type of design.  It may be through any number of ways but if we encourage him and give him opportunities to use this gift, I'm sure that he will be happy in life.  I can see so many ways that this activity helps them both but I think I'll stop right there.  This post is already long enough.

     In our lives, every moment can be a learning opportunity.  We try to make sure that we are raising our boys with a sense of wonder and imagination that will not leave them as they grow up.  It's so easy to drop that mindset when the pressures of adult life begin to loom.  I want their brains to be trained to see the fun and value of every situation that they'll encounter, even when it's unpleasant or hard.  I know it's a little dramatic to think of a lack of t.v. or video game as difficult but for a couple of kids that have had free run for a few months it probably seemed terrible at first.  Every time I noticed a what they were doing,  I made sure to tell them what I saw them doing.  We're hoping that it's a foundation for that continuation of joy while understanding that there are real life circumstances involved and that even and especially in the midst of struggle, there is ALWAYS an opportunity.   I am just thankful for the opportunity for all of us to be on this journey together.

Ch ch ch changes!

     This is really as good of a place to start as any.  Yesterday was a tough day.   It started with my oldest Dominic who has a major problem with messes and change of any type.  This is Dominic..

That's Dominic with an actual mess on his face.  The horror!

     Dominic is incredibly sentimental.  Outrageously sentimental.  Two years ago, our family did the unthinkable and moved.  This did not sit well with him as you can imagine.  He is the same kid that when he was 4 had a 3 hour crying and sadness marathon because we rearranged some bricks around our pond.  He said that it could never go back to the way it was again and he was devastated.  This poor child does not like anything to change.  We recently discovered that his younger brother Adrian has Sensory Processing Disorder (more on that in the future) and life has changed drastically around our household.  Adding to that fact, there are 3 big deal things happening right now. 

 #1, We are home/unschooling this year for the first time.  

#2, Four days ago I decided to pull every bin out of every storage space and rearrange/organize EVERYTHING.  And anyone that's organized a home knows that it makes a capital M mess.  Every room has been in disarray.  

#3, Derek and I woke up on Saturday morning and decided to change the kitchen.  A lot.  

     You can see a little of the kitchen I'm referring to in the background of the picture of Dominic.  It hasn't changed since the 50's.  The tile is so old that it looks permanently grey/brown dirty despite numerous bleachings and scrubbings.  Well, this kind of change also requires a significant mess.  Taking down and painting cabinets, scraping old tile off the wall, mudding, sanding... you get the picture.  Everything that was in the kitchen is now in every other room of the house.  I think my little guy was ok until he overheard me talking to a friend at church and explaining that we love our 1950's sink cabinet and have to keep it but will be painting it bright yellow.  WHAT?!  says Dominic (with his expressive face).  The thought of having just one crazy looking bright yellow cabinet in an otherwise match-y room sent him over the edge.  I reluctantly got in the car for a drive to another friends' pool party.  It was just the two of us on this car ride and I knew that I wouldn't have the right words to comfort him.  He immediately let loose.  Everything that has bothered him in the past few months just flowed out.  He was crying, I was praying.  My heart hurts for him but I don't know what his sweet little heart needs to hear like God does.  So I asked God to tell me what to say and guess what?  He showed up again.  I won't go into all the details of that hour and a half long ride but as we pulled up to the party, he said with a smile on his face, "Mommy, I'm so glad that I have you.  Finally I feel like someone understands what I'm going through and I'm not alone."  Well after hearing that comment, I was crying.  Oh how I love that young man.  He helps me to grow in so many ways and keeps me on my toes.  I couldn't remain stagnant if I wanted to because I never have the right words for all of his (and Adrian's) questions, comments and opinions.  I am reminded to think of others and how my decisions will always affect someone else, no matter how small they might be.  I'm reminded that someone is watching every single thing that I say, do or don't do and say.  It's so wonderful to know that I am not alone, just to echo what Dominic had to say.  I know that there is someone that also has my back whenever I need words or a reminder to be better or more loving.  God is so good to our family even in the midst of all of these changes.