Feeling the Loss

     Today is the 12 year anniversary of my mom's death.  It seems like every year this date has a way of sneaking up quietly behind me and then I turn around and get a not so nice, surprising punch in the gut.  This morning while I was still in bed praying, God gently reminded me of the date.  It's been in the back of my mind over the past two weeks because on my mom's side of the family, we've experienced some intense trauma and loss lately.  This isn't something I can elaborate about on such a public forum but she would have been so helpful to everyone involved I think and her absence has been truly notable.  She would have been able to provide her sweet calm way of listening to everyone and had some really warm and comforting hugs. Maybe she wouldn't have given a lot of advice but she could make you feel peaceful by simply being there.

     This year has been particularly hard on my little family as well.  The sheer open wound pain that I felt for my little boy during the Spring months and into the Summer were enough to make anyone want their mom.  There were many days that I would think, "..just a hug.  Just one little hug.  I miss the comfort of my mom."
   
     I miss her for our family.  She was unable to leave the hospital for our wedding but we went to her and were married there before the "real" ceremony so she was there to see our family begin but she was gone before our honeymoon was officially over.  I miss that she hasn't been able to see us grow.   I miss her for Dominic who although he is 9 and practically a man already sometimes really needs a lot of extra cuddling and attention.  He thrives when people that he loves really listen to him and he hasn't had a normal amount of that lately around here with everything we've been preoccupied with.  I miss her for Adrian who needs calm, kind, understanding people in his life that will love him unconditionally and see just how amazing he really is.  I miss her for my strong, gentle husband Derek who absolutely loved her and has said that she was a big piece of his journey to believing that God is real.  I miss her for me. So many times I would have just loved to be able to cry to someone without having to worry about their feelings, being strong, responding the "right" way and even that famous "ugly" cry would be ok. We have had an enormous amount of both triumphs and tragedies in our lives over the years and it would have been so wonderful to have her supporting us through it with her love and kindness.   Now I'm not delusional and I don't think that if she had been here, everything would have been fine but you know~ to just have a person in your corner that loves what you love and feels pain for what you are burdened with is often enough.  I'll admit, the tears are flowing freely today but I don't often allow myself to dwell on anything that I can't do something about.  Call it the control freak in me but I'm a "do-er" and not a "dwell-er"  and there is nothing that you can do about feeling loss except to just go ahead and feel it.  If you don't allow yourself to feel it once in a while it can sneak up and knock you right down.
So here I go.
Feeling the loss.